For some of us, any form of corporal punishment has gone out the window. But ask most teachers and they will tell you the decline in discipline in our schools started when we throughout the baby with the bath water. Some argue that slapping, smacking a child will teach a child it’s Ok to slap, hit or be violent toward others. But I believe this fails to take into consideration the considerable difference between the two events. One event has a child hitting another out of jealousy or anger. The other has a parent smacking or slapping a child out of judgment against a wrong action. Is a child is stupid enough to confuse the two and think ‘well mommy hit me on the wrist so I can hit my sister’? One is retaliation, the other a public pronouncement that a behaviour is not Ok. Judgment versus violence, the two are very different.
Of course there may be more effective deterrents and punishments for each individual. Losing play dates or Ipad time might be more effective than a slap. What we as parents need to remember is that it is not loving to let willful rebellion slide. Children from very early on need to know who is in charge and learn to respect you. By the way, they’ll be less stressed if they know where the boundaries lie so don’t buy into the idea that giving kids freedom to choose the boundaries is good for them. Freedom does not equal no boundaries. Freedom without boundaries is stress, paralysis and an illusion. God has made us to be human beings; we can’t fly so there’s no point kidding ourselves that we should be able to do whatever we want. Whatever we want…isn’t necessarily possible or beneficial. A bird flies, a human runs. It is no accident that one of the Ten Commandments is to ‘respect your father and mother’. Children need their parents to set boundaries. Sure boundaries are adjustable and need to be adjusted as they grow but they won’t thrive with endless choices.
Dr James C. Dobson compares the ability of young children to learn languages with perfect accents to their plasticity in accepting parental discipline.
“…he (or she) passes through a brief window of opportunity during late infancy and toddlerhood when respect and ‘awe’ can be instilled. But that pliability will not last long. If his (or her) early reach for power is successful, he will not willingly give it up – ever”. (P93 from ‘Parenting Isn’t For Cowards’)
Dobson isn’t advocating violence and reminds parents about their legal obligations to avoid angry responses to infants and children that could harm them (e.g. shaking a colic baby out of frustration). However he does advocate the use of corporal punishment sparingly for moments of ‘willful, deliberate, on purpose defiance’ by a child who is old enough to understand what he/she is doing. The type of punishment is of course measured by the child’s age. Nothing justifies abuse. However, from fifteen months onward he suggests that challenges to authority should be met with loving firmness. It may be a simple, short slap on the wrist for the infant to let them know it’s not Ok to keep putting their finger near the power point or kettle.
Dobson quotes Susannah Wesley (mother of the famous 18th Century evangelists John and Charles Wesley and 15 other kids, who said:
‘To inform the understanding is a work of time, and must with children proceed by slow degrees as they are able to bear it, but the subjecting of the will is a thing which must be done…for by neglecting timely correction, they will contract a stubbornness and obstinacy which is hardly ever after conquered’
What are your thoughts? Do you use corporal punishment? Never? Sparingly? All the time?
What is effective in your home?
I think it’s clear we need to take charge early. It doesn’t mean being heavy handed or overbearing or inflexible. Abuse has no place. But it does mean that we need to establish from the get go that we are in charge and have the final say, not the child. It’s not about anger, gruffness, sternness but ‘confident, steady leadership’.
Jesus described himself as the good shepherd. The good shepherd watches and protects the sheep. His sheep know his voice and listen. So must we as parents protect and discipline our kids so they listen to our voice. We can’t leave this ground to them; they need us even though we often have to fight the ground to discipline.
Share this post with your friends and let us know what your finding tough about disciplining your kids
