Is perseverance a good thing to encourage in your kids?
Don’t you think we give in too easily these days and should stick to our guns a bit more?
I recently read an article (can’t lay my hands on it at the minute, sorry) that said research had shown that families where parents pushed their kids to stick at things they weren’t necessarily mad keen on doing, led to anxiety and possible depression. The term used was ‘grit’. The Bible would probably use the word ‘perseverance’.
Now some parents are blindly pushy, right? You feel sorry for the kids who clearly look brow beaten on the court. But some of us just want to give our kids opportunities to learn things that they’ll later thank us for…or so goes the rationale.
Who doesn’t wish they learnt that instrument when they were a kid? ‘Why didn’t my parents push me!? If only I could sing, play that harp, bang those drums and bring joy to my soul and a smile to others’. But to get that skill takes dedication and perseverance; years of grit...
Three examples of grit
“The hard working farmer should be the first to receive a share of the crops”
“A soldier doesn’t get involved in civilian affairs”
“The athlete doesn’t’ get the gold unless he or she competes according to the rule” (or they hide the drug enhancement to darn well!)
Excellence and the enjoyment of a skill well learnt takes perseverance; you only get there by sticking with it. The crop doesn’t happen in a week or a month. The race isn’t won over a weekend. All of the examples above are from the New Testament’s second letter by Paul to Timothy (2 Timothy 2). In this instance, Paul is encouraging Timothy to hang onto his faith in Jesus in the face of strong opposition and not lose his focus on the awesome end point, eternal life. When things are unpleasant and discouraging, it’s easy to be timid and fly under the radar. Paul wanted none of that. He wanted a reliable goal keeper, who would be there when Paul got taken down by an opponent.
But is grit and perseverance good for its own sake? Should we just teach our kids the skill of perseverance regardless of their passion or whether the goal is important to them?
Think of those endless music lessons. Think of that language school or sport team.
Does perseverance or grit become pointless?
If it leads to resentment or anxiety in our kids because we are forcing them into a mould that is ‘them’, then I guess it’s not the kind of grit we should be aiming for. We may not be seeking their best interests, but instead trying to fulfill something lacking in our own lives?
These days I do think there is a false impression that success comes easily though. We keep seeing stars rise very quickly and celebrity being born instantaneously on Instagram that our kids think it’s all too achievable without much hard work. But 99 times out of 100, the success we see isn’t over night. Years of failures, knockbacks and relentless grit to find another way lead to the ‘success bit’ we see. Kids who don’t get encouraged to stick at things and finish them are unlikely to come to terms with the reality that the farmer, athlete and soldier learn by experience.
I’ve often thought that if my kids don’t keep at small things they’ll not learn the important lesson that crops don’t grow overnight. When they do find something they’re passionate about, they’ll not have the grit to turn that passion into something good. Instead, they’ll give up like they did with the saxophone lessons. However, Paul doesn’t encourage grit in Timothy for grit’s sake. He does it because of the end goal…eternal life. Now that’s a worthy goal for anyone. Not that Timothy’s grit will earn eternal life. We often think it is about our efforts, but it’s not. Rather it is his continued ‘grit’ to keep trusting in Jesus’ death for his sins that matters. Jesus promises to forgive those who rely on him for forgiveness. Timothy was in danger of walking away from that promise due to his timid nature and the very likely intense persecution that would follow Paul’s departure. Grit was needed now, to keep Timothy steadfast to the end.
Our kids need a goal
Perhaps we need to keep trying to find worthy goals for our kids to finish level 1 of their music exam. What’s the outcome? Where’s it all going? Long term ‘one day you’ll be able’ goals are probably too distant. Perhaps we need to break down the achievement so the skill is useful in the intermediate stages.
Rewards – extrinsic vs. intrinsic
The extrinsic value of rewards, such as pocket money, treats and the like are helpful motivators but not nearly as powerful as more intrinsic ones. Intrinsic rewards are things like feeling good about yourself, being able to perform for others or serve them in some way, seeing your progress and applying the discipline to other areas you want to succeed at.
What are your thoughts on this? Is grit good? How should we practically encourage perseverance in ways that are realistic and positive for our kids?
How do we break the journey up for those long term goals like learning an instrument?
Grit is good. We want our kids to finish. We want them to hold fast to the good and grow as people. Most of all we should want them be able to discern life’s greatest offer in the gospel of Jesus and stick with it for life.
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