You see in the supermarket a parent being walked all over by their toddler’s bad behaviour.
You see parents excusing their primary age kid’s disregard for rules because he/she has an ‘adventurous’ spirit.
You hear of teachers dealing with teenagers in high school without any respect for authority in class.
What’s the common thread? Power games.

Power is desired and fought for by every human being and when we get it, power corrupts.

We’re not surprised when war general’s seize power and trample their own people with a military fist. We’re not surprised when democratically elected presidents abuse their office (think Nixon), nor are we surprised when actors and artists carry on like spoilt brats.

So why are we surprised when kids try to seize power or even abuse it?

As Dr. James C. Dobson points out in his little book, ‘Parenting Isn’t for Cowards’, “If power can be destructive to mature adults…imagine what it will do to a mere child.” He gives the example of the toddler now with confidence to handle his tricycle, who deliberately ignores his mother’s instruction and races out the drive onto the road. He may be exhilarated and intoxicated with this new freedom from his mother’s authority, but the consequences that lie ahead with an oncoming car…well you get the picture.

Power games are what often throw us into warfare with our kids. It’s certainly what creates the most stress for teachers in schools. Human beings don’t want any authority over them…we want to be free of all authority and control over us. But as the picture of the child racing to his/her imminent death on the tricycle highlights, not all authority is bad for us. We need our boundaries in order to truly flourish. Freedom comes from being limited. Unlimited freedom is actually horrific. But that doesn’t stop anyone from pursuing it…

Why?

The pursuit of unlimited power and autonomy goes back to the beginning.

Unlimited freedom is the lie Adam and Eve bought in the Garden of Eden. God saw the world He had made, including the limits on man’s freedom, and said it was good. ‘Eat from any tree except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil’ was His one and only command. But they chose to reject God as the authority and seek wisdom outside of Him in the pursuit of unlimited freedom. What they discovered was bitterly disappointing. Wisdom apart from God leads to a dead end and brokenness (Genesis 2 and 3).

So what should parents do when their kids try to wrest power?

Do we hold onto power and fight our kids for the right to rule over them because we know best? Try doing that as a teacher and you soon find out the world has changed. It’s all about negotiation these days. Everything is up for grabs. You gotta leave room for poor little Johnny to save face.

Dr Dobson sums it up pretty accurately when he says:

“This then is our goal as parents: we must not transfer power too early, even if our children take us daily to the battlefield…On the other hand, we must not retain parental power too long, either. Control will be torn from our grasp if we refuse to surrender it voluntarily. The granting of self determination should be matched stride for stride with the arrival of maturity, culminating with complete release during early adulthood.”( p125)

Practial solutions for parents dealing with power games

So practically what might this look like?When you find yourself in a standoff with your child…think…aha…here’s a power game being played out. Now if it’s in front of siblings…you’re in the boxing ring. Same thing as what happens in the school classroom. No kid is going to back down and loose face in front of peers. That’s weakness. That requires great humility. And frankly, kids, mostly don’t have much humility, especially not teenagers.

Well, I certainly don't have it all figured out, but let's get off the mark with some basic, general principles:

So first, try and avoid the standoff if the first place.

Second, try and frame the responses required from the child in a way that offers an ‘out’ where they can save face.

Third, try and withdraw from the peering of others, and seek private negotiation. The stakes are lower.

Fourth, look for ways to give your kids decision making and responsibility as they grow and gradually increase it as they age.

Stephen Shearsby is the writer and performer of Anton’s Antics, Gospel Shows for Children and Families. To find out more about his shows check out the live show page on www.antonsantics.com