Ever worried that your child isn’t making friends at church?

What can you do when you can see that going to church is a bit of a chore for your kids?

Of course an effective children's ministry needs to be focused on teaching children the Bible faithfully each week.  It helps if you are well organised and the program is fun.  However, one thing that I have become more aware of recently is that our ministry to children could often be enhanced through some up skilling of both leaders and children in the use of social skills. 

If children are disconnected and not feeling any ‘buy in’ to what happens each week at church; if they don’t make friends or feel left out, then the ministry of God’s word to them will be obstructed. While the learning of social skills needs to be primarily established and reinforced at home, the children’s ministry team has an opportunity to apply these skills to a new context, one that can be informed by God’s word directly.

Imagine coming to church each week as an adult and feeling like no-one would notice if you weren’t there.  Imagine feeling disconnected from the group and having no-one to talk to at the end of the service. Imagine if it looked like your peers were all settled in long standing friendships and you lacked the confidence and know how to start new friendships. I think we can all relate to this, but remember children experience this as well.

Children live in fear of being left out and excluded from existing peer groups. Children are sometimes too shy to even say hello.  Conversely, it will be no surprise for us to note that children who have been at a church for most of their lives will feel little inclination or encouragement to welcome other children or even asks for their names.

Apart from writing and performing Anton’s Antic’s gospel shows, I also work part-time as a government school chaplain.  In this role I've recently had the opportunity to work with learning and support teachers (LAST) to assist children develop basic social skills. Skills such as: saying hello; learning other people's names; asking someone to play; how to join a game; what to do when someone says ‘no, you can’t join in’ etc.  Such scenarios may sound very basic but they are fundamental to helping children begin social interaction and form friendships. Without friendships children will feel isolated and lonely and often coming to church will be a chore. Surely none of us wants children to feel this way.

It may have nothing to do with the quality of the program or the preparation and enthusiasm of leaders. It may be that other children simply are unaware of how they can practice hospitality and kindness to others.  Perhaps leaders are too focused on getting through tasks and need to be a little more concerned about their children’s ‘interconnectedness’.

So what can you do?

First of all ask yourself a few diagnostic questions:

-Do I and the other leaders know the names of all the kids?

-Do the kids in each of the age groups know each other's names? Have they ever said hello to each other and shared basic information or points of shared interest? How often are they encouraged to do this?

-Are there kids who seem to only hang out by themselves?  What are the cliques? How can we encourage our kids to be other person centered and practice hospitality to newcomers?

By asking these questions you are beginning to identify the level of work needed to improve the social dynamics in your ministry.

Second, think about how you can introduce social skills development into your ministry to kids.

For example, when you are playing games or activities why not include the development of social skills into how these games are structured. Perhaps children could be asked to pair off with people they do not know. Perhaps they have to make the introduction and ask the person before the game can commence. Maybe they have to work in teams to remember information about each other and complete a task together.

More generally, as you conduct different activities or games, leaders can model and teach children various social skills such as:

 -saying 'please' and 'thank you' for their snacks or craft.

-showing manners by giving way when someone is carrying a load through a door, instead of barging through inconsiderately. Not being greedy when food is available but instead sharing with others.

-teaching children how to say hello and ask if they can join a game that is playing before kids church starts.

-encouraging and praying for kids who have been at a church for most of their lives to be inclusive of others.

In all of this remember that God has gone out of his way to welcome us into his family, even though we don’t deserve it.  He sent his Son, Jesus Christ to be the sacrifice that covers over all our wrong. His Spirit breathes new life into us so we become like him…people who are looking out for others.

Good social skills require other person centredness.  With God’s welcome of us in mind, and his Spirit to help us, we ought also to welcome others. Not because we can gain something, but because we have already gained so much from God’s welcome of us.  We don’t have to all be best buddies, but we should be inclusive and ready to receive others and build them in. We need to remember and practice this as adults and we need to be taught this as children.