Ok we all know of annoying kids or people for that matter, right? No matter how hard we try they just keep rubbing us up the wrong way. If we’re honest, most of us also can probably accept that we occasionally annoy other people too. When someone else’s kid grates against you at least you can say to yourself ‘they’ll be going home soon’. But what happens when your own kid annoys you? Like not just occasionally but generally?
Is this even possible? Yes. Can a loving parent find one of their offspring harder to love than some of the others…yes? Can we even talk about this?
You may have seen this in other families or dare admit it even to yourself… “I’ve got one!” Some kids seem experts at repelling others. Some are really reserved, quiet and shy when one of their parents is loud and outgoing. ‘C’mon Johnny, say hello…to the man…Johnny!?’
Dr James Dobson describes this very problem in his book ‘Parenting isn’t for Cowards’ noting that when bonding fails to occur between a parent and a child both generations suffer. ‘The mother, especially, is likely to experience great feelings of guilt for her lack of affection for this individual. She recognises his emotional needs and knows it is her responsibility to meet them, but something inside her makes it difficult to respond. Instead she reacts negatively toward the son or daughter’ (p84). The same of course could be said of the father, though often it’s the mother who has the most time spent with the kids.
The child in this situation may not be able to articulate it but feel a wall that separates him and his parents. He may also feel very keenly any bias or favor toward his siblings. ‘If he concludes he is unloved …in that inner circle his pain may manifest itself in unrestrained rebellion during the adolescent years’. Now yours may not be a family where the word ‘hated’ is appropriate, though some children’s experience would equal that in abusive environments. Instead it’s possibly a more subtle and less deliberate form of rejection. Your kid rubs you up the wrong way…a better description might be ‘private disappointment’. Unfortunately, they see it; feel it and we may feel paralysed to change it.
What can we do when we feel repelled by one of our kids?
Dobson offers a couple of suggestions:
- Feelings often follow behaviour – often we let ourselves be controlled by our emotions. But as the Bible says in the letter to James…we may feel like we are on a surging wave but we can control our behaviour. Self control is one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes we think our emotions and actions are ironclad partners. But they are not. We can take affirmative action and our emotions will often follow. Instead of letting ourselves be repelled we can choose to see the little one God has given us who needs our care.
- Beware of the comparison game – avoid comparing your kids with your friends and siblings. How easy is it to look at your friends and go..Why me? Why aren’t my kids normal, smarter, taller, sportier, and more creative? Hah! Everyone has their own issues. Life is hard work; every day is another day in the universe that groans…looking forward to its eternal end point, the new heavens and the new earth (Romans 8)
- Avoid thinking along the lines of ‘I wish my child was more like…’ Instead, GO WITH THE FLOW. You haven’t seen the worst of your ‘best’ child and you certainly haven’t yet seen the best of your 'trouble maker'. You haven't 'got them' yet. Often people’s worst character trait has an amazing flip side. Stop resenting, wondering, worrying. Instead accept. Now there’s the secret to intimacy with your child.
Accept them.
GO WITH THE FLOW
Stephen Shearsby is the creator of Anton's Antics. Book now to secure your live show dates for Christmas!